by Julia Scalise, DN, PhD
What is YOUR definition of sexy? What is it in another that you find sustains interest and keeps you attracted in a relationship? These are questions that get asked in conversations, in online dating sites in roundabout ways, and in relationship or emotional counselling sessions.
We are bombarded in advertising, articles, and social media commentaries about what is and isn’t considered “sexy”. And answers are as diverse as there are people. Many immediately say they have a “physical type” they are attracted to time and time again. But sexy goes beyond a height, hair color, eye color, weight, and body type.
In this day and age, when options abound to so easily change physical attributes to suit the current trends, or the specific likes of a partner, there needs to be other traits that sustain a relationship after the “eyes are pleased”.
Part of my practice involves emotional counselling for my clients that want to improve their levels of well-being beyond just physical health. I pay attention to what my clients say when they tell me about how good a relationship they have is, as well as the comments from clients when they state their relationships aren’t working. I also read a lot of articles and books on relationships.
I am finding trends and shifts, in young millennials as well as the seasoned romantics, that are yearning for much more, or requiring much more than surface attractiveness to fulfill their definition of “sexy”.
SMART IS THE NEW SEXY.
I read a quote recently that may resonate with many of you “He tasted her mind and realized he had been starving” (unknown). Intelligence has its perks in terms of true IQ. There are those that consider themselves “sapiosexual” (those that find intelligence to be the most attractive attribute of a romantic partner). But that is only part of being seen as smart.
Smart is also enthusiasm to grow your mind.
Whether it be through learning new things, reading books, learning a language, exploring the world and travelling, increasing your vocabulary, honing in your natural talents or skills to be an expert in a niche unique to you, ways to elevate your smartness is limitless.
An article from Elite magazine adds “that being smart isn’t knowing everything, but it’s attempting to understand the world and the people in it. “ So aside from just being a candidate for Mensa acceptance, improving your level of knowledge about the world around you can add to your sexy factor. Just always remember to remain authentic and true to yourself in whatever you choose to pursue.
KINDNESS IS THE NEW SEXY.
When I speak with family, friends, and clients, one attribute often touted about their significant other is that they are the kindest person they know. And more and more I see people gravitate to those that show compassion, empathy, and generosity of spirit.
Whether the person is generous with their time, their treasure, or their talent, kindness is yet another way to add to your overall attractiveness for sustaining a long term relationship.
Kind people take an interest in others and their well-being. When you are kind, you make others feel good and they want to be around you. And in a way, when people feel good, especially about themselves when in your company, you increase their desire to want to stay around you more and more and ongoing. Kindness can be a very potent aphrodisiac.
RESPECTABILITY IS THE NEW SEXY.
People that command respect are sexy. They exude confidence. And for many, confidence is the sexiest thing a person can wear. People of character, integrity, loyalty, and who are trustworthy tend to attract others like a moth to a flame.
How you present yourself to the world can make or break many relationships. Part of respectability is also how much you respect yourself. If you allow people to mistreat you, abuse you either physically or emotionally, or take advantage of you, it’s difficult for someone to respect you if you fail to respect yourself.
Lack of self-respect can often be seen as needy and that can be a major deal breaker in a relationship. So, maintain self-respect, be respectful of others, and require others respect you.
INDEPENDENCE IS THE NEW SEXY.
This relates back to being needy. When someone feels that they are your lifeline, your third lung, your ventilator to get through life, you may find them running faster than their feet can carry them.
Some of you may be thinking about this in terms of financial neediness, but it is also about emotional neediness. Life on most days can be challenging, and when there is the added burden to be responsible for someone’s day to day existence for happiness, ego-boosting, or their only balm for insecurities, it gets exhausting.
Be willing to bring something to the relationship table, both financially and emotionally, or else you may need to prepare to always eat alone. Make a good partner or teammate, and be willing to have an “interdependent” relationship versus a “dependent” relationship. Now that’s sexy.
PHYSICALLY FIT IS THE NEW SEXY.
Physical preferences are neither good nor bad, they just are. But above what is visually appealing, think about improving your health and fitness level.
Some partnerships thrive on common interests that require physical fitness. However it’s important to show that you are willing to take good care of yourself, the best you can. Age, health issues, genetics may not be in your control. But your mental determination to be the best you can be within the parameters of your circumstances add to your attraction.
It can be perceived that if you don’t take care of yourself, you will not take care of your relationship, your partner, or your responsibilities in a partnership. No one is requiring that you be solicited for the next cover of Sports Illustrated, but effort shown in one area can entice a partner to perceive carry over effort to all areas of living a more exciting and adventurous and emotionally fit life.
Wishing you health, upping your sexiness quotient, and living your best and sexiest life.
Editor’s Note: Relationships are such an important part of a satisfying life, yet many of us unintentionally sabotage them. If this sounds like a familiar theme to you, click here to check out our Eliminate Self-Sabotage program.